Monday, April 20, 2009

The Melrose's Mullet Mock NFL Draft

I know all of you have been waiting for this and here it is: our mock draft.

1. Lions – Shane Falco, QB (The Replacements). The Lions are going quarterback with the #1 pick, and since they are the Lions, they will pick a guy worse than Joey Harrington.
2. Rams – Billy Bob, OL (Varsity Blues). The Rams need to bolster their offensive line, and adding Billy Bob at guard should give Stephen Jackson more holes to run through.
3. Kansas City – Jumbo, OT (The Replacements). The Chiefs add a big left tackle to protect Matt Cassel’s blind side.
4. Seattle – Ronnie Bass, QB (Remember the Titans). With Matt Hasselbeck getting up there in age, the Seahawks get his eventual replacement. Bass has a strong arm, but has had some issues pitching the ball
5. Cleveland - Charlie Tweeder, WR (Varsity Blues). The Browns add a sure handed receiver to play with Braylon 'rock hands' Edwards. Then Tweeder will drink some beer.
6. Cincinnati - Jamal and Andre Jackson, OG (The Replacements). These brothers come as a package deal and should be a great help to Cincinnati’s awful O-Line. They should fit right in with the rest of the team as well.
7. Oakland – Forrest Gump, KR (Forrest Gump). We all know that Al Davis loves him some fast players and there is no one faster than Forrest Gump. While he may not be able to play receiver right away, he should be able to be the best kick returner in the league immediately. Even though he isn’t a smart man, he knows how to play football.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars – Jonathan Moxin, QB (Varsity Blues). Garrard is in his 30s and struggled last season. Moxin can watch a year or two from the bench before taking over the starting job.
9. Green Bay Packers – Bobby Boucher, ILB/OLB (The Waterboy). With the Packers switching to the 3-4, they need to bolster their linebacker core. Boucher can play both ILB and OLB, will be a menace to block and will provide the team with high quality H20.
10. San Francisco 49ers – Luther Lavay, OLB (Any Given Sunday). The 49ers need a pass rusher and Lavay is one of the top pass rushers in the draft.
11. Buffalo Bills – Wendell Brown, RB (Varsity Blues). With Marshawn in legal trouble, the Bills snag a very good running back here. Brown will carry the team inside the 10 and then Trent Edwards will get them to the endzone.
12. Denver Broncos – Steve Lattimer, DE/DT (The Program). Lattimer is a freak that can anchor a 3-4 defense. He could go top 5, but because of possible off field issues, he drops here.
13. Washington Redskins – Willie Beamen, QB (Any Given Sunday). Not impressed with Jason Campbell so far, the Redskins draft another QB. Beamen is a playmaker but his ego tends to get a bit inflated and he can’t read a playbook.
14. New Orleans Saints – Petey Jones, DB (Remember the Titans). The Saints desperately need defensive help and Petey can come in and provide that. His ego grows with each play he makes, but he will quit on the team if he gets called for holding.
15. Houston Texans – Julius Campbell, DE (Remember the Titans). Campbell should provide an imposing presence opposite of Mario Williams. STRONG SIDE!
16. San Diego Chargers – Ivory Christian, DE (Friday Night Lights). Christian is a huge upgrade to the Chargers defensive line.
17. New York Jets – Rico Dynamite, QB (Napoleon Dynamite). Had the Jets had Rico in the 4th quarter, they would have division champions. No doubt in my mind.
18. Denver Broncos – Daniel Bateman, LB (The Replacements). The Broncos need an ILB for their 3-4 and Bateman is a smart football player, similar to Tedy Bruschi.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Paul Crewe, QB (The Longest Yard). In need of QB, the Bucs take the man that led an improbable upset over the guards. If Crewe can get a work release from prison, he is a great pick here.
20. Detroit Lions – Louie Lastik, OL (Remember the Titans). They got their QB with the first pick, now they pick up a lineman to help protect him.
21. Philadelphia Eagles – Brian Murphy, TE (The Replacements). The Eagles add a playmaker for McNabb. McNabb won’t have to worry about his new TE throwing him under the bus because he doesn’t say a whole lot.
22. Minnesota Vikings – Rod Tidwell, WR (Jerry Maguire). Tidwell gives the Vikings a reliable receiver, as long as the show him the money.
23. New England Patriots - Charles Jefferson, LB (Fast Times at Ridgemont High). Jefferson replaces Mike Vrabel at OLB and Bill Belichick is working on getting Jeff Spicoli to destroy Jefferson’s car and blame it on the Jets.
24. Atlanta Falcons - Andre Krimm, DL (Necessary Roughness). Good value pick for the Falcons here. Krimm gives them good depth on the defensive line and he can be the team tutor.
25. Miami Dolphins - Alvin Mack, LB (The Program). Mack could have gone in the top half of the draft, but falls this far because of injury problems. If he is healthy, it’s a great pick for Miami
26. Baltimore Ravens - Deacon Moss, WR (The Longest Yard). Baltimore gives Joe Flacco another receiver to stare down.
27. Indianapolis Colts – Darnell Jefferson, RB (The Program). With Addai disappointing the last couple of seasons, the Colts address their need at RB. Jefferson has a lot of upside and could be a star in the NFL
28. Buffalo Bills – Bud Light, OL (The Program). Buffalo’s overhaul of their offensive line continues. Bud Light should be able to come in and play LT right away.
29. New York Giants - Daniel Ruetigger, LB/DE (Rudy). Just because the Giants fucking would.
30. Tennessee Titans – Stefan Djordevic, CB (All the Right Moves). While very talented, Djordevic falls almost out of the first round because he is only five feet tall.
31. Arizona Cardinals – Julian Washington, RB (Any Given Sunday). The Cardinals had the corpse of Edgerrin James at running back last season. Washington going to Arizona gives the Cards one of the best offenses in the NFL.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers – Manumana, C (Necessary Roughness). The only knock on the Steelers last season was that their offensive line sucked. Manumana helps shore it up and keep Roethlisberger on his feet.

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